The Day Begins and Ends With A Story

Dear honey,

I’m writing to you directly because you appeared vividly in my dreams recently. Your face was much more softened than ever of the times we’ve met before in my subconscious world. It was really nice seeing you again. 🙂

I’m sorry for not writing sooner and as frequently. I feel as if I’ve been retreating further into the hole I originally started digging and found myself changing directions as soon as the seasons changed.

This time around, we were holding hands as we normally would. Although, this time I felt every movement of your fingers interlaced with mines. Your grip was also tight as if you were cradling my hands in your very own. I could feel the ridges of your fingers one-by-one matching mine. I remember the many nights you and I compared our hand sizes, and we would laugh because they matched exactly (and so did our feet size!). You would chuckle at me as if it were a hoax. Deep down though, I think you and I knew we were one in the same– You also made sure I ordered some red snapper and blue tuna sashimi for some reason ^^

My memories are a bit jaded, because the times I remember you is when I actually am at peace. Like utter silence. It’s been too long since I remember having that peace and quiet in my mind and exterior as well.

I no longer pride myself as being a night owl because I hope every night I slumber, I get to see your face one more time. Especially for this time of year, I cannot resist riding down memory lane as close as possible as I can without tainting the actual memory. And so, with that, I’m ready to share that part of me as I’ve been saying for many years now.

For tonight, I want to say how happy I was to see you these past few days. The feeling of warmth, security, and love elated me even though my body went into shock. I’m not quite 100%, but knowing every night I went into a deep sleep. I’d hope to see you again. I know you’re around this time of year, honey. All I want is to continue seeing you smiling as bright as I remember you. I love you forever, and cannot wait to be with you again. ❤

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In the Shadows (Night thoughts)

As I peer at my already dim-lit cellular, the brightness level still pierces my eyes as if a sword were cutting through my pupils..

Laying here, in my hometown, I find myself returning to a place I used to be familiar with. Memories and all of the ones who stayed here, continue to live their lives. But, as for me, I can no longer call this my home. Knowing that I’ve created a life along with loved ones who I can gratefully call my “family away from home” tug at the roots of my core existence. Although this place and people always bring me back to the familiar feelings of long lost memories, I’m not ready to stay.

It’s been rough lately, I feel like I’ve lost and regained a part of myself many times over the past month. Realizing the feeling of rejection can take a huge toll on me. Yep, that’s right–first time feeling rejected ever. My confidence dwindles as I’d rather be hibernating this season. However, a little ray of sunshine keeps me going for some reason.

I had multiple thematic lucid dreams while being here. The first of many made me feel a certain way of what could have been, questions about loyalty to a close friend, recollection of career path turmoil, and overall a tumultuous reoccurring subconscious mental cry for help. I’m not sure what to make of these dreams–but I do know this emotional drape has shrouded me in being able to pursue my passions in life. Whatever hurdle I may be going through, at the end of the day, I’m glad and fortunate to be spending this time in the best way possible. To my inner thoughts: stay strong.

Ebb & Flow, Perception.

Often times, people will compare life to the ebb & flow of a river. Perhaps a “roller coaster of life”–this was my favorite analogy to use describing the highs and lows. I can try to throw in more life phrases, but I’ll spare your hairs raising on your arms. (;

Karma: destiny or fate, following as effect from cause.

When events happen as a result of causation, we attribute our good doings (or wrongdoings) to karma when the invisible hand pulls a chair from underneath you.. when you’re already sitting. How you react to the situation can set precedent for how you perceive the remainder of what happens thereafter. So you happen to have a good luck streak: you get a promotion, your assets are all in check, and the love of your life confesses wanting to take the next step of your hand in marriage. Then, you get slammed in the “blind spot” of your momentum. Your boss expresses his dislike towards your work ethic, you file for bankruptcy, and your betrothed rejects your engagement ring. “Why is this happening? It was all going so well..”

There are multiple ways to evaluate a situation and as human beings it’s easy to fall into the trap of ‘taking the easy way out’. You sulk and feel helpless by projecting your emotions in every facet of your routine. OR you can look forward to the next wave of new opportunities. Perception is a strong tool to use when you find yourself in a fork in the road. You can look at it with a grain of salt and throw some optimistic mantra to get you through the tough times. Imagine those difficult times, when feeling at your lowest point and propel you into a better vision of your future.

For me, even after singe of pain, it’s all cuts and bruises. What’s under the surface takes more time to heal. Patience works hand in hand with healing (whatever you may define it) and soon you’ll find solace even after the calm before the storm.

Fresh Slate

I’ve always been infatuated with discovering the world. My curiosity boils whenever I hear anything related to “geography”, “culture”, “history”, and “food” (of course). Only now am I realizing that I need to be putting more effort into my interests and taking lead of my own life instead of comparing it with others. I tend to daydream and events continue to speed up with each passing year.

I’m over making new year resolutions–it’s time to make resolutions on a daily basis. Stay true to my routine or develop a method to stay on track with my goals personally and professionally. It’s absolutely doable to be capable of more than just what I do daily. I believe that I’m going to be a soon-to-be jetsetter, moto enthusiast, author and successful entrepreneur with a self-sustaining business. This version of myself is the best I can be, nobody else can tell me otherwise. My self-esteem and prowess around people has grown and shown through my experiences. Being able to make the smallest tweaks and take calculated risks show my true intentions about showcasing the best of my ability.

I’ve gone far too long with being hard on myself. Am realizing that the only thing holding me back from doing all the things I’d love to do, is me. I need to embrace and celebrate my wins more, all the while being humble and not boastful. I need to celebrate the little wins because the bigger wins will come along eventually.

To my future self: Trust the process. Continue to be patient. Understand that time will run its course and so will you, wild spirit. ❤

Thoughts

It’s difficult to get my thoughts out and I also feel that when I do, it counters my actual feelings–as if the chance to make it known has already passed. Some of the words in my mind go without being acknowledged by the most important to me.. myself. It’s a bit perplexing when I don’t yield the results I want. The toned body I’m aspiring to get, the healthy habits I should be practicing, being able to say no’s without feeling guilty, having a nice dinner or movie night with myself, stop putting myself down when things get tough, and most of all being my biggest hurdle in my journey through life.My greatest vision comes to me when I’m envisioning my success and all the trials I’ve gone through. I want to be a better storyteller, I want to be the character that shines through, I want to be successful and whatever that means I’m going to achieve it.If anyone in my life (past, present, and future) can hear me: I’m here for a reason. I’m confident and brave that whatever situation throws me into a spiral, I’m only going to be stronger than ever before.

Gratitude journal – Day 1

I’m thankful for waking up early and being able to listen closely to the birds chirping. The eerie silence is invigorating because everyone seems to be in their comfy beds. It’s brisk outside. When I’m able to exercise my body and mind I tend to feel more relaxed. Almost too relaxed. So much that I start to get comfortable and lose track of time.

Another reason why I’m thankful is my openness to new experiences. I can relate to common interests and enjoy my own presence. When a new opportunity presents itself, I’m very much attracted to the novelty of things.

Lastly, I’m thankful for those that build me up. My support system has challenged me in the most unconventional and direct approaches. I appreciate the blunt statements because they’ve made me who I am today.

(My) Call of Duty

I can throw as many puns out and make anecdotal references to my life–they are all true after all! So, what’s new in the past couple months of 2018?

First and foremost, I’ve been working 7 days a week. Hustling, depriving myself of sleep, starving my ego with this notion of being busy (as if it’ll help me move forward). I’ve experienced heartbreak, new explorations and rejuvenation all in the past latter part of winter. Now, I find myself trying to chase my memories so I can use that as my foundation to propel in the direction of my goals.

I’m trying to find my interests–what makes me, Me? I always enjoyed gaming, but put that in the back burner because it could never get me a real job. Well guess what? WHY NOT? I recently applied and interviewed for a company that was solely responsible for my childhood and bonding experience with my younger brothers (the one thing we can all actually passionately talk about). The most comfortable thing was that I can imagine myself working there. Being successful is one of my goals in life, but to be in the gaming industry and making a difference and/or impact? IT’S MY CALL OF DUTY (pun intended!). I’m also not placing all my expectations on a single day, it’s an active and conscious effort to even get close to where I want to be.. maybe an entrepreneur some day?

So what else interests me? Apparently I have a knack or good eye for putting floral bouquets together (thanks Pinterest, Ralphs, and Trader Joe’s). No, but really, I suppose I’ve grown accustomed and confidence in my flower arrangement skills that it reflects in my sales and work. What does that say about my next move? Practice selling more. I need sales experience, not only to be successful in my career, but in everything I do–the ability to sell is a skill I must work on.

Speaking of self-knowledge, I am working on some hard skills that will translate in my next move. Whether that’s reading up on the next blockchain book, decluttering my home space so I can practice minimalism and organization, and learning about investing my savings in long term finances. These are things they don’t teach you about in school so I have to create my own curriculum.

I’m also working on my relationships with 1) myself, 2) family and friends, 3) acquaintances. Especially to those who’ve helped me get where I need to be today I’m forever thankful but need to show them they are appreciated.

I’m trying to brand myself here. What can I talk about with fire behind my eyes and conviction enough to convince others that I have a specific niche? I’m not quite there yet, but I’m moving in the right direction for sure.

Keep going and don’t give up Tiff!!! 🙂

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