The Guy With Everything & The Girl With Nothing

I can’t help but think about this past weekend as horrendous, silly, inebriated, outrageous, self-realizing, and overall thankful.

It was the wake up call I’ve desperately needed for a long time.

And all the while, I am safe to say that I am still on this earth today, at this very moment.

Beginning with Friday, it felt like it was the dream about time crunch coming to real life. I had two finals to get rid of, a bunch of errands to complete, and preparing to leave for Sin City right after. The stress levels were TOO REAL. I’d have to say, if I could re-do this weekend over again, I’d do it over in a heartbeat.

That very same night, I encountered familiar and new faces, but the way I went out, wasn’t exactly what I imagined myself doing. Something just emerged from my inner soul–a monster of some kind, that I was unaware I even had lingering inside of me. I’m almost afraid to say that I do not want to see that side of me come out ever again! Bringing humiliation to myself and others was definitely embarrassing and I really don’t have a recollection of what went down that night. My face reads, “I’m sorry times a billion, please forgive me.” And so, I deserved to wake up with aching feet and legs, and surprisingly, no migraine o_O

The next day was a chance to redeem myself. I took it WAY easier than I should have. However, the bottled up frustrations inside of me the night before couldn’t be shaken. REGARDLESS, I refused to end up like the night before. In the end, I was proud to say I know what the inside of Marquee club looks like (after going for the second time), by redeeming my license, and not being sent to the hospital nor getting arrested. My goodness, I must’ve looked like a huge train wreck! And then later on, I realized that there is no need to rush against time. It simply doesn’t exist, you make time for whatever you feel like. All the anxieties built up inside of me, made me over-anxious, and those stomach-turning feelings won’t go away unless I relaxed.

Needless to say, I stand firm behind the actions I did. Take responsibility for them because that’s what is necessary. I have no one else to blame but myself. Although, one thing did stand out to me this entire trip: my conscious is more alive than it has ever been.

After a night of clubbing at Light, I noticed the club did not really appeal to me at all. Maybe from the pain of my feet and the prior night helped along that feeling, but I still didn’t feel like I was enjoying to scene to be honest. It was more a spectacle of people enjoying themselves for who knows what. I wanted to see something past it, so I insisted that I be under some type of influence so that I can feel a lot more open to this situation. Afterwards, when everyone went to sleep, my urges climbed out of me like some brand new planet unveiled itself to me, or actually, maybe a familiar one. The one where I would venture out and just explore, and if something happens, well then, all the better. So returning back to Mandalay Bay, I found his friends continuing to gamble–I am so lucky because if I were on my own, who knows where I’d be right now.

Gambling… has a whole new perspective after my first time playing in Vegas. I actually really like it. Something enticing about the risk involved, makes it addicting. And wow, did I only now discover to appreciate it today, especially with my no-income salary. In any case, I don’t mind walking downstairs whenever to play, as long as I have the money then that’s cool with me!

Ending up at the strip club was not my intention at all, but inside my mind, I already done two deeds that you must accomplish in Vegas, or “do it right” as others would say: 1. Get absolutely trashed 2. Gamble 3. Strip Club and hey, I can finally say now that I’ve actually experienced it! It’s only taken the second time to actually do it right, but wow… Never. Again.

What really stood out to me was the whimsical trip to the strip club though. Leaving at the break of dawn and finding out this place wasn’t as glamorous as it seemed. But of course, the time made it less appealing. Still… the experience overall was that at least I finally can say I’ve been in one.

The thing I took out of these last moments of the weekend, was the conversation of how I saw my life in a nutshell. The way I expressed it outwardly was incredibly different than I would with close friends and family… This made me see things from an entirely different perspective. From what I was used to having dependency on a relationship, to be fruitful by being a charitable and caring person, the reality of it isn’t as fairy-tales portray it. The real nitty-gritty of the relationship is something that can’t be expressed in one sentence. It’s an entire learning experience.

Pre-Mid Life Crisis

I guess I wouldn’t be much a crisis, considering I am a measly 22-years-old. However, due to the circumstances about the future and the overwhelming responsibilities of my own, it’s a scary thing!

I sit anticipating all the energies I’ve gathered collectively to experience the life I always wanted, but it’s so damn complicated.

At the same time, I need to reserve the remaining energy I have for the things that are worthwhile, like this Psyc 11 exam and final coming up, or the intense research paper that has an open ended prompt.

I can’t help but think of the upcoming events as something to look forward to, but let me recap on today’s events.

I worked for the first time in the longest the early morning shift, and I was looking forward to shopping til I dropped at Victoria Gardens.

For once, I am not as connected to my phone as I used to be, but at the same time it was invigorating and refreshing.

I even ventured to a familiar setting, Seafood City to embrace the culture that I was brought up in–it was really nice to be around my own culture.

I also enjoyed to thrill of shopping and trying on clothes that I liked and didn’t.

The most compelling was a long maxi dress which is something I don’t normally wear. But it felt so girly that I was exhilarated by its beauty that I had to try it on a second time! It was soooo beautiful. To wave my arms and legs I felt so powerful.

And it hit me, I love to try on clothes and change my appearance to be my own self. The power I had, had reached me that brought me to tears of happiness inside. I loved it.

Sitting now, I wish I had more energy to study, but I don’t, so I will save it for tomorrow’s goals.

I put aside work also to pursue my priorities in school. Til then, I have the ultimate power to do whatever is I please.

I want to give up hookah. I want to live healthier. So begins this journey to a full investment in myself.

“All those flips are switching in your head”

You know, today I woke up with a good feeling, knowing that the day to day routine is just typical. Tiring, but typical.

But the moment I decided to go against that idea of being tired constantly, I ventured out to the place I’m most familiar with, and encountered faces who I haven’t seen in a while. In complete admiration, I have the sense of always being exuberant when I do come across those familiar faces.

I had the most real conversation with a down-to-earth friend who I randomly bumped into. To be able to hold a conversation and watch time pass by without notice, gives me some relief to know that I’m not the only out here. He brought so many new perspectives to looking at the current things with my life, and I am so thankful to have a friend that knows so little about me, tell me more things I never knew about my own self. It’s so refreshing! To hear the good and bad things, but to be able to choose and take the risk of nothing else to lose is a great feeling.

He suggested that I rekindle the bonds that I once held near and dear to my heart. To put down my pride, and take the extra step that I may never get the chance to do–and live with that regret.

So many things to talk about because of my reoccurring thought process, but it was so real to just be able to talk to someone and share my life and gain some experiences that I never even thought of before.

Thank you. I learned today that I need to be honest with myself, so that I can be honest with others and this is something I’ve really been needing to lift up my esteem lately. I also keep in the back of my mind what my homegirl said to me, “God never gives you something you cannot handle.” And it’s true! I really set my own limits and I can decide to surpass it too. It’s really up to me to bring things into perspective and look at it as if I am the outsider in my own world.

I cannot help but think of all the times I felt bitter, resentment and prideful over some issues that I thought I never had control over. But in reality, I do have the control to feel better. And I do have the time to make things right.

I may seem quiet and reserved, but there’s also this part of me to be able to express what I feel and just be me.

So again, I appreciate for lending an open ear, and for sharing your experiences. I hadn’t been able to share a genuine laughter with another human being on this planet, to which I thought this world was becoming obsolete.

I can go to sleep knowing that tomorrow cannot be taken for granted, and better days are sure to come.

Til next time.

These lucid dreams

Sun. Or son?

Whoever that was, why was I dreaming of you? I know I have a huge imagination, but this is a little far out. Of course my past haunts me, but this new exhilarating feeling is very persistent and strong. I have this clear image of a kind soul, eyes that gleamed of a blueish-grey tint, and with the help of his sister, they both courted me into the hands of the present. Defying all of my family members except my youngest brother. It was an intense dream, but it made me feel happy as soon as I awoke. I’m not sure what to make of it, but I know it’s time for me to let go of the past–big time.

Brain Overwhelmed

Tuesdays are infinitely case of “struggles” school from 8am-6pm is ridiculous!

At the same time, I have a lot of energy to invest in my studies but my brain cannot go any further.

So in my down time I shall reinvent my brain synergies to things worthwhile, and of course study more later.

I’m a little bit determined to see what the remainder of this summer session has in store for me, but I also would like to breathe!

O.K. do yoga tomorrow morning, and continue the rest of  my studying right before class.

GRE prep, summer school, woowee. I am definitely looking forward to this Vegas trip more than ever.

Gotta study hard first!

The struggle

Financially, I’ve always struggled to make ends meet.

But the hidden agenda is that I always make purchases on impulse or for the exact moment of it.

I’ve learned sometimes what it’s worth is to actually do things with the money I make to experience all that I want to accomplish.

More so, I like to buy things for other people often because their happiness makes me happy.

Now I am struggling to save every penny made to make that happen. I guess the journey to actually save  up for something is really what makes it worthwhile.

In the end, I have a lot of ambitions that include taking risks despite my financial obstacles. So now I just need to be consistent and dedicated to each and every goal I make.

Let it be known that I’m only taking these chances to invest for a better future.

I hope that being able to do these things will make me a happier person because I need something uplifting to improve my moral and spirit.

Namaste.

I started today with my very first yoga class. It was awesome. The negative energy I felt leave me had to be the greatest feeling I have been meaning to feel for quite some time.

Shortly after, I went to take my car to the auto shop that our loyal customers Kumi and Shirley recommended me to. And little did I know, it was a coincidence that we went around the same time! They look like the best of friends… super cute. When I become a grandma, I want to be like them someday.

Was able to do little things at a time, but I experienced something that may have dropped my self esteem. But nonetheless,  I’d rather not dwell in it. So I shall skip onto the most important parts.

Having my best friend mirah to coach me through the hardest of times, made me realize I do overthinka lot. So I will take her advice and start fresh today.

I am thankful for having the blessing of breath.
I am thankful for my best friend.

Previous Older Entries