A Higher Being

I still feel like you’re here Jae. You are here, in the now, the present, my past, my future–you are a part of me. Maybe you were always there all along. You were there the entire way. Our souls connected so deeply because I felt it. IT was real. No matter what anyone says, what we have is the truest feelings that nobody else in this world can take from us. The moment we shared chemistry, we knew what we were getting involved in. There’s so much room for happiness. I’m understanding how easy it is to take away–happiness. Your spirit lives and breathes within me. The way I talk about your passion for motorcycles. The way I appreciate good conversation and get to know somebody. The way I carry myself as if I don’t care what others think. The way you kept yourself presentable, distinguished and kept well on the outside. You already had this world figured out from the get-go. You knew the way to achieve enlightenment was on the pathway of being passionate, in everything you did. To be able to carry the grandiose being of perfect, must’ve been a heavy weight on your shoulders. The distractions made things chaotic for you. To not being able to trust the unknown. For what you knew was an experience that could not be said in words. To feel the way you did, you felt much way more intense than any regular being. To carry the world on your shoulders. To believe in yourself, when nobody else did. I love you so much for that. We were one in the same. My other half, my soul mate. I can feel your presence now because you were in me all along. And that’s why, that is why I can safely say that I love myself. You respected my individuality, and understood that maybe our stars are destined to never be aligned. Know that in our next lives, we will find each other again, and when we do I’ll love you with all that I’ve got. Perhaps in our previous lives I was granted the privilege of the rich–my pain was internal. Perhaps in my current state, I do not receive privilege, yet have to work for it–my pain is now external. Perhaps in this life, we shared a bond that was indisputably so strong, such that the only thing that could break it was hatred. We shared a passionate love that existed to show others what true love really meant. Here and now, we did not discuss the past, we did not discuss our futures–you were my present. My gift from above, I know the true meaning behind our encounter. You have blessed me with a life that I’ve been finding the reason for. I love you Jae. Please stay with me for as long as we are destined.

Sitting here.. Listening to Kaskade with Tiesto feat. Haley – Only You

As if you were right beside me, I feel your warmth, your embrace. Your impeccable laugh. How you kept me safe and secure under your wing. I now have those memories to continue the rest of my life. You were right. You and I are one in the same. Until we meet again honey.

Not sure why I’ve only discovered this until NOW.

Out of all the people, I would’ve thought that I’d be the last person to be thinking about what I actually want to be doing in life. I ended up becoming the person I feared most, someone who didn’t know where they want to be.

And with everyone graduating at a rapid pace, I find myself 10 times behind with something I’ve been barely holding onto a string to.

With that said, I am aspiring to be a traveler, a doctor, a committed companion. A friend. A mother.

[Broken post </3 Saved from 2 years ago]

Not sure if these goals are still the same.

Just Like Old Times

I recall the most I would reflect on my day would be right after school. My outlet would consist of AIM, Xanga, Myspace, Facebook (not necessarily in that order). I rEmEmBeR tAlKiNg LyK dIs. It’s amazing how much time has passed, and I no longer do any of that stuff. To freely write what was on my mind. To record my entire day, how I felt, what I ate, who I interacted with. I was so alive back then. But look at me now–I’m still alive today.

And this sudden burst of energy comes from being able to: 1) get a good night’s sleep, 2) wake up early when the sun is barely peaking out, 3) having a productive/busy day, 4) EATING every meal, 5) winding down after it all. It strikes me that I haven’t been able to have a control of this for quite some time now. Perhaps I am so accustomed to being on the go that I really did toss my routine in the back burner. With that said, I know myself a little bit more now. I can be LAZY. I can be BUSY. I am complacent. I am stimulated. I am a good person. I am a not-so-good person. My balance is all kinds of whack. The scale needs to tip a little more towards center-grounded though. So, to my future self: I’m not expecting anything more than what you can accomplish in a day. Do you. Forget what anybody else says. The only time you have is NOW–so make use of yourself, Tiff.

The day began quite early today.. Considering I woke up from my slumber around 3AM. Falling back asleep definitely put me in a groggy state, to later find myself rolling out of bed around 5AM. At the very same time, I am going to spare the details because the core of today was based on getting accustomed to the newly FT job I just acquired–YAY ME!!!

I’m getting used to the Office Life, even though I told myself I would never work in an office setting (haha.. joke’s on me). But then I began to realize that I could still have a life outside of the office (if that makes any sense..?). It’s a matter of how I make each day, and I’m enjoying it so far because I know what I’m capable of and I only wish to be better. Not for anyone around me, but just improve myself. To be positive (+), bold,CONFIDENT, and determined to accomplish great things for my future. Perhaps my role at my current job will teach me how to not organize the company’s assets, but mine as well. It’s time to utilize the tools I have around me and stop being stuck in the past.

I have one goal to accomplish this year, and that’s to stick to my word and FOLLOW-THROUGH.

That’s all I have for today. I realize I wish I could just write in my journal every time I have a thought but I’ll just have to do so when I have time. Or store that somewhere in my brain 🙂

In your hometown. 

Sitting here, I wish I had the chance to get to know you more. You encaptivated me at first glance, but never did I understand what it was like to be in your shoes. I think we’ve crossed paths for a very important reason. I find myself sitting at a restaurant in Irvine. How easily connected every little thing reminds me of you. For some reason, my brain is blocking or hindering me from remembering you so that you can stay preserved in my mind forever. When I think of our memories, it heightens my senses and I get excited as if I were to see you again. Unrequited love, it was probably meant to happen this way. Anyway, I want to stay here as long as I can so I get a feel of what you experienced.. perhaps that will bring me one step closer to you.

I miss you every day honey. It’s hard to explain to others of your true existence. To them, you are just a figment of my imagination. To me, you were every last bit real. I wish I could learn from you a little more. My dreams are becoming more vivid, but you disappear the moment I wake up. Please visit me often, I still haven’t forgotten about you and never will I.

I love you honey. Be safe.

High Maintenance or High Standards

I always used to think being high maintenance was a negative thing. Why is there so much upkeep, how come the bar is set so high? After realizing these standards are kept in place so that others can express different outlets, I think being high maintenance is a lifestyle. If this applied to my life, I think I would be burnt out. Let alone, my brain needs refreshing stimulation, so I should change the way I approach things.

It’s day #2 of job training in a modern, casual office. I didn’t think I would find myself here to be honest. However, the culture itself is very exciting and fresh. I guarantee I’ll be able to make an impact no matter what. The goal is to be innovative, pay attention to detail, and succeed in all areas!

Third time’s a charm

I saw you again in my dreams honey, it’s a little blurry, but the moment I realized it was you, you began to disappear right away. It seems that I am always able to get a glimpse of you, and keep continuing to chase you. Someone I’ll never have.

Traces of your presence in this place, I can feel a part of your spirit, exactly how it was when we first started our journey together.

Please keep watch over me, as I enter the next part of my life. I love you dearly Jae. I miss you.

Brave & Bold

Honey, I was thinking of you this early morning because it’s been about a year since we’ve graduated.. I miss you dearly.

Listening to house music, reminds me of the way you used to dance.. It was silly actually, how you would point to the air dancing, with a grin on your face.

I’m going home tomorrow.. I am looking forward to it, since the last time I went back.. I wasn’t quite ready to leave yet.

I hope you’re doing well. I miss and love you.