The Day Begins and Ends With A Story

Dear honey,

I’m writing to you directly because you appeared vividly in my dreams recently. Your face was much more softened than ever of the times we’ve met before in my subconscious world. It was really nice seeing you again. 🙂

I’m sorry for not writing sooner and as frequently. I feel as if I’ve been retreating further into the hole I originally started digging and found myself changing directions as soon as the seasons changed.

This time around, we were holding hands as we normally would. Although, this time I felt every movement of your fingers interlaced with mines. Your grip was also tight as if you were cradling my hands in your very own. I could feel the ridges of your fingers one-by-one matching mine. I remember the many nights you and I compared our hand sizes, and we would laugh because they matched exactly (and so did our feet size!). You would chuckle at me as if it were a hoax. Deep down though, I think you and I knew we were one in the same– You also made sure I ordered some red snapper and blue tuna sashimi for some reason ^^

My memories are a bit jaded, because the times I remember you is when I actually am at peace. Like utter silence. It’s been too long since I remember having that peace and quiet in my mind and exterior as well.

I no longer pride myself as being a night owl because I hope every night I slumber, I get to see your face one more time. Especially for this time of year, I cannot resist riding down memory lane as close as possible as I can without tainting the actual memory. And so, with that, I’m ready to share that part of me as I’ve been saying for many years now.

For tonight, I want to say how happy I was to see you these past few days. The feeling of warmth, security, and love elated me even though my body went into shock. I’m not quite 100%, but knowing every night I went into a deep sleep. I’d hope to see you again. I know you’re around this time of year, honey. All I want is to continue seeing you smiling as bright as I remember you. I love you forever, and cannot wait to be with you again. ❤

Ebb & Flow, Perception.

Often times, people will compare life to the ebb & flow of a river. Perhaps a “roller coaster of life”–this was my favorite analogy to use describing the highs and lows. I can try to throw in more life phrases, but I’ll spare your hairs raising on your arms. (;

Karma: destiny or fate, following as effect from cause.

When events happen as a result of causation, we attribute our good doings (or wrongdoings) to karma when the invisible hand pulls a chair from underneath you.. when you’re already sitting. How you react to the situation can set precedent for how you perceive the remainder of what happens thereafter. So you happen to have a good luck streak: you get a promotion, your assets are all in check, and the love of your life confesses wanting to take the next step of your hand in marriage. Then, you get slammed in the “blind spot” of your momentum. Your boss expresses his dislike towards your work ethic, you file for bankruptcy, and your betrothed rejects your engagement ring. “Why is this happening? It was all going so well..”

There are multiple ways to evaluate a situation and as human beings it’s easy to fall into the trap of ‘taking the easy way out’. You sulk and feel helpless by projecting your emotions in every facet of your routine. OR you can look forward to the next wave of new opportunities. Perception is a strong tool to use when you find yourself in a fork in the road. You can look at it with a grain of salt and throw some optimistic mantra to get you through the tough times. Imagine those difficult times, when feeling at your lowest point and propel you into a better vision of your future.

For me, even after singe of pain, it’s all cuts and bruises. What’s under the surface takes more time to heal. Patience works hand in hand with healing (whatever you may define it) and soon you’ll find solace even after the calm before the storm.

Fresh Slate

I’ve always been infatuated with discovering the world. My curiosity boils whenever I hear anything related to “geography”, “culture”, “history”, and “food” (of course). Only now am I realizing that I need to be putting more effort into my interests and taking lead of my own life instead of comparing it with others. I tend to daydream and events continue to speed up with each passing year.

I’m over making new year resolutions–it’s time to make resolutions on a daily basis. Stay true to my routine or develop a method to stay on track with my goals personally and professionally. It’s absolutely doable to be capable of more than just what I do daily. I believe that I’m going to be a soon-to-be jetsetter, moto enthusiast, author and successful entrepreneur with a self-sustaining business. This version of myself is the best I can be, nobody else can tell me otherwise. My self-esteem and prowess around people has grown and shown through my experiences. Being able to make the smallest tweaks and take calculated risks show my true intentions about showcasing the best of my ability.

I’ve gone far too long with being hard on myself. Am realizing that the only thing holding me back from doing all the things I’d love to do, is me. I need to embrace and celebrate my wins more, all the while being humble and not boastful. I need to celebrate the little wins because the bigger wins will come along eventually.

To my future self: Trust the process. Continue to be patient. Understand that time will run its course and so will you, wild spirit. ❤

Chapter 1- Top of the World.

Flashback. 4 years ago.

We woke up one early morning. I left from beloved Libby house. Planning to set off on the adventure I didn’t foresee lasting a lifetime, began my first step into the world of the most memorable Memorial Day weekend of my life. Going on a ride that will forever be ingrained in my memory.

I woke up bright and early, adrenaline pumping. Staring at the blinds of a window where I would dream the biggest dreams and ponder my entire life. The sun bleeded through the white stucco roomed-walls onto my open sliding door closet. As is every other day, I had a routine: alarm goes off, sit up from my bed, stretch as tall as I could, and stepped down where I could feel the carpet between my toes. I walk over to the non-supportive desk chair and began my morning ritual of looking at myself in the compact mirror.

“Today’s the day,”, I tell myself. What’s more is that waking up on this brisk morning, made me feel alive, connected with the world and hopeful more than ever. Mind you, coming back from New York made me realize how much more there is to discover in the rest of this planet. I continue to put on my make up, gather my closest things to “motorcycle gear” as I can get, and stare at myself in the mirror again one more time (“last check”). I walk out the double door of the entrance of Libby and unlock my pearl white ‘Baby Pearl’ ’03 Acura RSX, Type-S–by now, she’s been on so many adventures that it has plenty sentimental value to me. I drive down the sloping hill of Libby. Place on neutral because I just ride down, and stop at the stop sign between the intersection of our street at Spruce St. I make a right, go a little further before stopping at another stop sign–Kentwood. I then go over the train tracks and slowly go over them in first, then second gear. Roll over the tracks and find myself at another stop-Watkins and Spruce. Today, I’m feeling hopeful that the streets are clear in the early morning (I was right!). Driving down this street feels blissful. The sun is behind me, peaking out behind the ‘C’ mountain and clouds. I continue down, passing the local church and elementary school. I stop at the first stoplight intersection (also known as Iowa and Spruce), make a left when the light turned a protected green and continued my way down the most familiar place I’ve known for 4 years now. Continue down to the next stoplight–Massachusetts where to my right I saw Farmer Boys (another monumental spot). The light turns green and I make a left and an immediate right to the street (where I once carpooled late at night on the other side of the brand new apartments of Sterling Highlander). Make an immediate right on Athena Lane and park across the street right next two a house with a windowsill of my dreams. Of course 1167’s garage is wide open. His white 2005 Toyota Corolla with tinted windows, black rims, and extra shade extensions was parked across the street facing west bound. I continue to walk along the asphalt pavement and find myself walking nervously towards the house. Gracefully, I walk in large steps towards the garage where I find the beloved, Jae “Cole”, walking out of the garage door and greets me with a “Hello”. His galactic stare, his mysterious face, made me feel exhilarated and gleam with uncertainty. He carries his motorcycle tank bag, unzipping the rounded bag filled with his personal items. He stares at me up and down as I wore my Levis black buttoned jacket purchased from NY along with a pair of blue jeans from Forever 21, and some brown military-style boots from Reflction. My mind races, “I hope I dressed appropriately”. I recall making sure to dress in jeans (as he mentioned) and covered shoes. He gives me a blank glare and walks inside to grab a tin-foiled wrap bundle and places it in his tank bag. He is already ready with dark pants, t-shirt below, and his climber’s hook along with his set of keys. He walks back inside a couple more times and brings me a set of motorcycle gloves. They look lightly used, but definitely worn before. He glances along the walls of the garage and unhooks a motorcycle jacket that conveniently hung on a hanger on the left wall. He hands it to me, and I stare at it as if it’s a type of armor and heavy in weight. I ask, “Should I wear my jacket?”. He responds, you can just wear the (motorcycle) jacket.. It might get hot”. I eventually remove my Levis jacket, unzip the jacket he temporarily lent me and begin to place my right arm into this armadillo form of armor. After feeling suited, I wear the jacket as if my arms are sticking out (mostly uncomfortable) but try to keep my cool as he is also wearing a jacket and ready to go. The most important gear piece of it all will be monumental in (all of) our rides. He puts on his very own white-silver dragon on black Shoei helmet and eventually hands over his blue AGV helmet to me. “It’s a medium sized helmet,” he says. “Does it fit tightly?” He shows me to grab both ends of the straps, where the red button will snap onto the opposite end and will be fastened below the chin. I take a gander at the helmet myself and carefully hold the helmet grasping both ends of the chinstrap. The helmet slides down the sides of my head, feeling like an extra layer of protection for my skull. I look over at him in a questionable motion, “Is this right?” I ask. He asks, “Does it fit?” Of course, I’m almost too excited to deny that the helmet feels a little large on me, and continue to say, “Yeah, it fits.” He walks over to me and fastens the helmet on me because I’ve already forgotten how to attach the chin strap. At that moment, I lift my head toward the ceiling of his garage while he carefully (and tightly) fastens the chinstrap to me. In a shaking motion, I give the helmet a shake to ensure the helmet is on tightly. He tells me I can lift the visor so I can breathe through for the time being. This is happening all so quickly, I forget that I leave my Levis jacket on a chair for me to retrieve back after our trip.

He takes one last look at his tank bag and glances at his iPhone 4. Gives me the thumbs up and at that instant, I knew we were ready to embark. His beautiful royal blue Yamaha R6 had a fading exhaust. The gradient shone a blueish-purple hue to a dirty fainted orange. Its sleek exterior fairings with the logo R6 and a tail that pointed out, sat the black faux leather seat where I saw rear pegs extended. He turned the key to the engine and I heard a loud “vr-vroom-vroom-vroom”. Lightly playing with the throttle, he revs the engine a couple times–as if this was his ritual before he rode his majestic metallic steed. For all I know, he could’ve just been showing off this beauty of a metal machine. R6BluJ, that was his pen name. The engine warmed up enough and in a matter of minutes I reassured myself that my belongings would be safe in his tank bag. He hopped on his bike, pushes the kickstand up, and moves a little forward into the actual driveway. He looks behind me and motions me to come over. I walk behind him whilst he extends his left hand toward me. I grab his hand with my left and he motions to put my other hand on his right shoulder. I use the bulk of my body weight to balance on his shoulders and find myself hopping over the tail of his Yamaha where I find myself straggling the passenger seat. He presses the garage door opener, where I feel the garage door slowly closing behind me. As soon as it shuts, I sit down on the seat, as if I were standing between a long beam. He grabs my hands and places it on the surface of his stomach and his waist. The instant I grab on, we take down the driveway on Athena and I jerk back slightly upon his acceleration. Thus, our journey to the Top of the World began.

Why Are You So Far Away?

..Is what you asked me before we would fall sleep.

Even when you wrapped your arms around me, clutching onto me tightly, with our noses touching and feeling each other breathe with laughter you’d retort, “Honey, why are you so far away?”

I would reply, “What do you mean?” As if I didn’t understand you meant something deeper than mere physical closeness–it was the bond we shared, a love that was embraced at that very moment. This isn’t just mere coincidence. You constantly reminded me that it was just you and me.

As I lay in bed now, I find myself asking, “Why are you so far away?” I miss your silly demeanor. I miss you holding me tightly with my face in your chest. I want to be that close to you again. To be able to hear your heart beat in your chest. Your soft slumber made me at peace. When you would awake disturbed, I panicked. I wondered why I couldn’t provide the peacefulness you did for me.

I try to imagine you sleeping right next to me. We were lovers. The universe felt our love and began to quake through our bones and to the ground. Everything living knew we existed, together as one.

With these tears of reminiscing our blissful youth, I feel that you’re still here beside me. Every night, I shut my eyes and you’re right here.

Because even after the world ends, nothing can take away what we had. You are now in an internal slumber, and someday, I will rest right next to you again.

A Higher Being

I still feel like you’re here Jae. You are here, in the now, the present, my past, my future–you are a part of me. Maybe you were always there all along. You were there the entire way. Our souls connected so deeply because I felt it. IT was real. No matter what anyone says, what we have is the truest feelings that nobody else in this world can take from us. The moment we shared chemistry, we knew what we were getting involved in. There’s so much room for happiness. I’m understanding how easy it is to take away–happiness. Your spirit lives and breathes within me. The way I talk about your passion for motorcycles. The way I appreciate good conversation and get to know somebody. The way I carry myself as if I don’t care what others think. The way you kept yourself presentable, distinguished and kept well on the outside. You already had this world figured out from the get-go. You knew the way to achieve enlightenment was on the pathway of being passionate, in everything you did. To be able to carry the grandiose being of perfect, must’ve been a heavy weight on your shoulders. The distractions made things chaotic for you. To not being able to trust the unknown. For what you knew was an experience that could not be said in words. To feel the way you did, you felt much way more intense than any regular being. To carry the world on your shoulders. To believe in yourself, when nobody else did. I love you so much for that. We were one in the same. My other half, my soul mate. I can feel your presence now because you were in me all along. And that’s why, that is why I can safely say that I love myself. You respected my individuality, and understood that maybe our stars are destined to never be aligned. Know that in our next lives, we will find each other again, and when we do I’ll love you with all that I’ve got. Perhaps in our previous lives I was granted the privilege of the rich–my pain was internal. Perhaps in my current state, I do not receive privilege, yet have to work for it–my pain is now external. Perhaps in this life, we shared a bond that was indisputably so strong, such that the only thing that could break it was hatred. We shared a passionate love that existed to show others what true love really meant. Here and now, we did not discuss the past, we did not discuss our futures–you were my present. My gift from above, I know the true meaning behind our encounter. You have blessed me with a life that I’ve been finding the reason for. I love you Jae. Please stay with me for as long as we are destined.

Sitting here.. Listening to Kaskade with Tiesto feat. Haley – Only You

As if you were right beside me, I feel your warmth, your embrace. Your impeccable laugh. How you kept me safe and secure under your wing. I now have those memories to continue the rest of my life. You were right. You and I are one in the same. Until we meet again honey.

And just like that… He was gone.

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The last time I see my honey before he embarks a new pathway in his journey through life. I don’t want to feel regretful about the way I was acting towards him, my instinct is to show how much I love him and despite the curve balls life has thrown at us, I love him more and more every day. My love, my life. I want you to know that I will be here for you, love you unconditionally, and although I may act childish at times, deep down inside you are my shining knight in armor that has rescued me from the darkness which swallows me uncontrollably.  I love and miss you so, please be safe and I will see you soon. I love you Jae.